Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconcooper: More from cooper


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
July 13, 2004
File Size
878 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,119
Favourites
4 (who?)
Comments
30
Downloads
64
×


A Leaf’s Fandango - by cooper

For as long as I can remember
the sun has glowed
like new-found love.

Today the winds
are indifferent,
the sky callous and grey.

Friends spiral downward.
The cold tears my essence
as the rain severs my grip.

Reaching to the grey above
I find no resolution,
but weave a graceful

Fandango.

Darkness is my bitter partner
as we glide over a
laden ground of death.

The sweet melody of rain
paces the beating
of my rampant thoughts.

On the last beat
I look to a sky
once callous and grey,

only to see
the sun resplendent
like new-found love.
Written for Contemplicity's release Seasons: [link] please stop by and visit our growing writing community.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlilithlairpoetry:
Beautifully written Cooper!! Wonderful descriptions of something so small and trivial, but you made it sound like it's the best day of its life. Keep up the good work!
Reply
:iconcooper:
Thanks for the fav! and thanks for your comments, greatly appreciated, I'll get to your gallery sometime soon! :O take care and be well
Reply
:iconlilithlairpoetry:
Your welcome, and feel free to take your time to view my gallery...whenever you get to it..It's not going anywhere anytime soon...:)
Reply
:iconsoulswipe:
Very good methinks
Reply
:iconaellawind:
Hmm... that was very interesting...

Today the winds
are indifferent,
the sky callous and grey.


For some reason I reread the last line in that stanza and I didn't really get it... I'm not sure if you meant calloused or something but it confused me, and I'm just being honest here...

I adore your comparison between the sun and the new-found love... I also really like the description of the land and rain and darkness and such... it creates a nice mood and gave me... an interesting feeling. This is one of the loveliest nature poems I've ever read... It was very nice, and I'm not quite sure what a fandango is... I have an idea... But this was written very nicely, and I like how it sets a somewhat calm tone unlike the bitter/depressing/angry poems which are most of what I've read today.

It's a nice break from those types... Nice job.
Reply
:iconrtgecko:
I am not much of one for elaborate critiques but I found this piece to be quite endearing. I would have to say this line:

The sweet melody of rain
paces the beating
of my rampant thoughts.

Is my favourite, as I find it gives almost a musical element to the words playing through my mind, especially being followed by the next line:

On the last beat

It seems to give a feeling of finality to the poem. Er.. so yes, I quite enjoyed it and look forward to reading more.
Reply
:iconpoeticwar:
Disclaimer: This is all =Bringa's fault. ;)


For as long as I can remember

The problem with this line is is really doesn't stand much on its own. The whole working of it lends itself to utter abstraction, and little sticks in the mind. It's also a rather generic opening; I must have read hundreds of poems that begin 'when I was young(er)/X years ago/I remember/ I recall' or whathaveyou.

the sun has glowed
like new-found love.


How does new-found love glow? That kind of presentation is a rather nasty abstraction that actually has a knock on effect on the image of the sun glowing, since it's a comparison. As Pound put it:

'Don’t use such an expression as “dim lands of peace.” It dulls the image. It mixes an abstraction with the concrete. It comes from the writer’s not realizing that the natural object is always the adequate symbol.'


Today the winds
are indifferent,


OK so you've personified the winds here. This is somewhat messy since you then more or less abandon them completely, leaving the reader wondering just how the winds are indifferent -- indifferent in what? Towards what? In what way?

the sky callous and grey.

This seems another personification (since don't think you mean calloused) using a very vague term and not expanding on it. The basic effect of this and the wind's description is little more than that N isn't feeling very happy in the current environment. Grey is somewhat trite.

Friends spiral downward.

Leaves always seem to spiral downward. If the wind is strong, as you suggest, leaves really aren't going to gently spin down to the ground. They're going to get ripped off and blown into things.

The cold tears my essence
as the rain severs my grip.


I can't imagine rain severing a leaf's grip at all to be honest. Rain tends to hit leaves and slide off as the leaf bends from its weight. 'Essence' does nothing for that first line at all; essence is a very, very off-limits abstraction in most poetry unless you have an excellent reason to use it. Also you have the problematic issue of the imageless 'cold' being able to actually 'tear' anything at all.

Reaching to the grey above
I find no resolution,
but weave a graceful


In this kind of desperation, resolution seems a very weak, imprecise word to use. 'Weave' is rather over-used, and graceful is telly, but acceptable here, I'd say.

Fandango.

Why the capitalisation? The linebreak induces a large amount of melodrama which I don't think the poem's current incarnation carries through too well.

Darkness is my bitter partner

Bitter is again melodramatic and imageless. OK the reader gets that the leaf is really pissed off/upset at this point, but the challenge is making the reader empathise with the leaf, not solely report what's going on.

as we glide over a
laden ground of death.


'Death' is an unnecessary abstraction. It might connote the leaf's denial, I suppose, in not wanting to describe what he actually sees, but that doesn't seem supported overall.

The sweet melody of rain

Would a leaf who has apparently been killed by rain (in losing his grip) really see its beat as a 'sweet melody'? 'Sweet melody' is also a bit cliché.

paces the beating
of my rampant thoughts.


Rampant just seems totally off here for me. It's also telly; since this is a view into the leaf's thought process already, you should be reflecting this 'rampantness' in rhythm, lexis and other methods rather than just stating it in a rather unengaging fashion.

On the last beat
I look to a sky
once callous and grey,

only to see
the sun resplendent
like new-found love.


I like the structure that sees the poem come full-circle, but not the style in which it does, since it echoes my earlier criticisms.

I hope this helps in some way. :)
Reply
:iconcooper:
thanks for your critique, I will use much of your commentary in my future works,take care.
Reply
:icondanielzklein:
danielzklein Jun 18, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
This is still good :D
Reply
:iconcooper:
thank you Daniel... :O much appreciated
Reply
Add a Comment: